TLDR I had a break-up from my BF a month ago and told nobody (I'm pansexual). We got back, broke up again, and my attempt to get back today had failed completely. I didn't start to get over it until the past few days where I visited family and talked to them. I meant to say so earlier, but it dawned on me too much and my coping strategies were not AT ALL up to standard. This sort of thing pretty much took up almost all my time, and I wasn't in the mood for projects and hobbies, but I'm back thankfully

There was this guy who I first met randomly while gaming on Left 4 Dead 2. We were friends since July, and we pretty much got along like bread and butter. I broke up with him once back in September after he rubbed a prank in my face, but we got back after 2 weeks of separation. After that, we started dating, and he was comfortable enough together to the point he started talking and joking dirty around me, and I never minded, I enjoyed the time we were together. He showed me his other friends, played on VRchat too, talked on discord, like a little vacation being with him. He did seem like quite a bit of a "tulS" around everyone, and he did also say he had autism and had ADHD, but I didn't think anything of it at the time because I also have both, except I was never a tulS. I guess it says a lot now.

One day around early or mid-December, we played a game of L4D2 with the admin system, and I got too carried away. He told me to quit abusing it, I lost control of myself (ADHD thing where you either try too little or too much, and I can be a hothead at times), and it didn't seem like it was impacting his game because nothing seemed awry, so I didn't take him seriously, which I take blame for. He broke up with me this time and this is where it started, since THIS had me devastated like hell for a while. I did more cyberstalking than I'd like to admit in that time, seeing when they were online mainly. I talked to mutual friends, tried to tell myself constantly to wait it out, developed a plan to get back together, but I just barely managed to get back with them sometime around new year's. But we were only together for a few days until he broke up with me again. This time it was out of the blue, but I wasn't as devastated since I was used to it, but it still hurt me a bit. It was only a matter of time until I said to myself "Okay, I GOTTA spill the beans at this point."

Yesterday, on the last day of a mini-vacation with relatives, my family could easily tell I was agitated, and I eventually decided that it was better to tell them rather than toughing it out myself. I talked to my uncle for a solid 13 minutes, and the pep talk helped me to the point where I recorded the whole thing on my phone, no joke. He told me about letting go of the past, how time is the main support, what to focus my time and effort towards, and how forgiveness is a virtue in every religion and that it's necessary for both parties.

He told me to wait it out and let him unblock me naturally, which I knew to do, but I felt comfortable that enough time had passed, and boy was I wrong. He was online today, I asked him if we could reconnect, and he blocked me from ALL social media without a word once again. This happened literally just a few hours ago, and I just thought that it's not worth hiding anymore, and I wrote this wall of text you see now. At this point, I've thankfully gotten over it almost completely now, and will decide whether to try again in a month or to just abandon the relationship indefinitely. That's not a decision I'm ready to make now (The latter is a better choice, but my subconscious may pick the former), but for the time being, I'm just venting here. It ruined my positivity like hell and I wasn't in the mood for art and music stuff, but I'm back along with my motivation.

(I also noticed that I referred to my ex as "they/them" rather than "he/him" at times, so take that for what you will)